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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27984720">the other side of paradise</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynameistheriver/pseuds/mynameistheriver'>mynameistheriver</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lunch Club, SMPLive</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:40:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27984720</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynameistheriver/pseuds/mynameistheriver</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>carson had picked up on… bad habits over the past few months.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Josh | Jawsh &amp; Carson King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the other side of paradise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>yea i know im fuckin stupid as hell for writing this but damn i just wanted to do some angst to get out a lot of emotions man</p><p>this is 100% just for me. the only reason im posting this is because im hoping someone with the same suicidal ideation can find solace in this like i did</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>carson had picked up on… <em>bad</em> habits over the past few months. he formed a simple cycle; a stressor would come up, then read up on deprecating comments strangers online would send to the airwaves, then… <em>"self-punishment,"</em> one would say.</p><p>he never put a word to what he would do. it would've just solidified the horror in his logical mind of what this self-mutilation really was. he simply let his mind float in ignorance, accepting to the pattern. it was something he picked up in the two month hiatus he took earlier in the year, after being informed of the… unfortunate manipulation happening behind his back.</p><p>and thus it began.</p><p>been cheated on? look through twitter posts and youtube comments of your name being headlined through controversy. scratch and peel at the skin of your thighs to turn that pain in your heart into something on your body.</p><p>sister moving out? scroll past pages of comments on the LSF post on how you're a simp for donating $10,000. break open an old shaving razor, sit in the shower, slice open your thighs and hips.</p><p>moving to a new state, away from the home you grew up in? read up on every hateful comment against yourself on twitter. spend a week in a hotel room, every day painting more scabbing cuts on your thighs, and cry alone.</p><p>every pulse of anger, every empty second of depression, every step further on oozed out the bittering self-hatred. being alone was now deafening. every part of him felt hopeless.</p><p>
  <em>she’s a 10, and he’s a 2.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>he deserved to get cheated on.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>this guy looks like a school shooter lol</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i don’t understand how this guy’s famous. he’s completely unfunny.</em>
</p><p>rinse and repeat.</p>
<hr/><p>josh was arriving later that week. carson was sitting at the edge of the bathtub, nude, and ready to shower. he loosely picked at the scabs of old self harm cuts from the past few weeks, then added smaller, new ones with a random razor from his now-growing collection.</p><p>he vaguely processed the pain as his mind was elsewhere, reflecting on how he hoped the week would go, and if he was lucky, his <em>Plan</em> would go into motion after josh would leave. they would stream a bunch, film a video or two, go out and see the sights of south carolina.</p><p>it would be the perfect goodbye to a best friend. he hoped he could hold up a persona well enough to keep josh from suspecting anything.</p><p>a broad cut was clawed at his hip as the guilt licked like fire at his insides.</p>
<hr/><p>days passed of josh's visit without a problem. they streamed a few times together, riffing off of each other as usual. carson filmed and edited a new video. the pair went out with carson's parents to see the local sights around the new home.</p><p>all in all, it was great as a farewell.</p><p>he knew his parents and josh would hardly mind if he just disappeared. he wouldn't have to take up wasted space anymore. he wouldn't have to be a burden.</p><p>he was laying low perfectly.</p>
<hr/><p>josh had finished streaming on carson’s second setup -- it was continuously deemed <em>josh’s computer</em>, to the confusion of the younger -- stretching and leaning back in his chair.</p><p>a knock and slight opening of the door caught his attention. carson's mom's face peered in through the crack in the door.</p><p>"hey, josh, honey. is carson around?" she gave a gentle smile to the younger man.</p><p>he smiled back, immediately drawn to her maternal warmth. "no, he's been napping. i can go wake him up for you, though," he offered, working to turn off the PC.</p><p>she perked up at that. "oh, yes! when you're both ready, we can all go out to eat something."</p><p>josh nodded and started to stand. "yeah, i can get him. we'll be down soon."</p><p>carson's mom disappeared back downstairs as josh crept into the older's room.</p><p>it seemed carson had taken down their <em>Gay Wall</em> for his nap, the man sprawled across the entire bed by himself. he was in basketball shorts and a tee, the shirt having ridden up and exposing his stomach. josh disregarded seeing carson's stomach in his mind since he knew the older was self-conscious about it; he could see the stretch marks on his hips. but as he approached closer, his stomach felt a pit draw in when he realized <em>that's not stretch marks.</em></p><p>the younger was at the edge of the bed now, a horrified shock filling his veins at the cuts littering carson's hips. silverish scars and keloids blended with scarlet and maroon scabs, some looking fresh. he acted on instinct to shake the blond awake.</p><p>carson groaned and attempted to turn over, but josh grabbed him and shook more, hissing out a <em>get up!</em> that made him gasp and look to the younger with a shocked but drowsy expression.</p><p>"whuh-?" he started, but josh began first.</p><p>"what's on your hips?" the smaller asked, almost <em>demanded</em>, but he drew back to let in a shaky breath, realizing he was going a little too aggressive. "what's... on your hips?" he tried again, gentler.</p><p>blue eyes were furrowed in confusion, almost playful like he expected josh to be pulling a prank, but realization washed over like ice, and he smoothed down his shirt immediately. "it's nothing," was clipped out as he was avoiding eye contact now.</p><p>"i don't- i don't know what's going on, but i think we should tell your parents about w--"</p><p>"<em>no!</em>" the older yelped, his eyes focusing on josh's again, but reading so much; fear, anguish, <em>pleading</em>. "no, no, no- i'll be fine, i promise- please don't say anything to them."</p><p>josh weighed his options. he wanted to help carson and bring some other parties in to help. he had no idea how to handle a situation like this, if it was how he perceived it. but the fear inside carson's expression was holding him back.</p><p>"i-... i won't say anything," he complied, murmuring. "<em>but</em> we will talk about this later."</p><p>carson gulped shakily, but accepted the terms.</p><p>---</p><p>carson's parents took the two out to a restaurant for dinner that night. his father asked josh about college, with his mother chiming in occasionally.</p><p>carson was very quiet, in his own space. when anyone would ask if something was wrong, he feigned that he was just tired; he wouldn't admit that he was afraid that josh would break their terms if he spoke up and made himself known. he was afraid of the talk later. he stayed collected on the outside, but inside he was stressed as all hell.</p><p>when they all returned to the house, carson followed josh like a puppy. he wanted to get this painful discussion over with as soon as possible, but when josh turned and stared at him intensely when they got to his room, he realized just how underprepared he really was.</p><p>the gaze was held for a few heartbeats, then josh started. “so… what’s up.” it wasn’t him asking; it was obvious what was up.</p><p>“i-i mean- it’s nothing, dude,” the taller took a moment to shakily gulp and shift his stance, avoiding looking into brown eyes. “it’s just, y’know, uh… stress relief. that sorta… thing.”</p><p>“that-- that’s not stress relief,” josh gestured to carson’s body. “that’s a problem, carson. you can’t- you can’t honestly believe that <em>that’s</em> okay for you.”</p><p>carson was beginning to shrink in on himself some. “i mean…” he made a vague shrugging gesture.</p><p>the shorter took a step closer and let his voice get gentler. “it's not- it's not <em>normal</em>, it's not <em>good</em>, carson." he sighs.</p><p>the guilt licks farther. carson's abdomen felt like it was aflame inside, burning through his veins like lava or ice. tears welled up in his eyes, letting out a whimpering, "i-i'm sorry…"</p><p>
  <em>you're a failure.</em>
</p><p>the angry voices all simultaneously shouting and whispering in his mind started resurfacing from their slumber.</p><p>
  <em>how could you let him find out?</em>
</p><p>he was panicking, <em>panicking</em>-</p><p>
  <em>you can't even do that right.</em>
</p><p>he realized he had been crying heavily now.</p><p>
  <em>end it now.</em>
</p><p>hands flew in his hair, gripping, pulling.</p><p>
  <em>do it.</em>
</p><p>no-</p><p>
  <em>you were going to anyways.</em>
</p><p>"no-"</p><p>"carson?"</p><p>"no, no, no…" the blond mutters, to himself mostly, head shaking back and forth, and body shivering.</p><p>josh begins to approach slowly, but carson notices him and pulls away like a kicked dog.</p><p>“don’t touch me,” he barely breathes out.</p><p>“carson?” the smaller repeats.</p><p>“<em>leave!</em> please- leave...”</p><p>“but-”</p><p>“i said <em>leave!</em>”</p><p>he scutters out, having never heard carson yell like that before.</p><p>---</p><p>josh came to in carson's stream room. the sense of mild carpet burn on his cheek made him cringe. for a second he couldn't remember why he was there, but bolted up at the memory. <em>carson shouting, crying, what time is it-?</em></p><p>he checks the clock on his phone and sees it's a bit after midnight; a few hours after he faced the older.</p><p>
  <em>shit,- i hope nothing's happened. he should be okay, right?</em>
</p><p>he steps out into the hall. the bathroom door is slightly ajar and the light is on, but carson's bedroom door is fully open but completely dark inside. he opts for the bedroom as a first search.</p><p>at the doorway, he switches on the light. his pulse is now pounding in his throat at the sight of it all: pieces of shattered glass scattered all across the floor. one large, pointed chunk lies in the middle, coated and surrounded with cooling, maroon blood. dark drops had started to stain the carpet.</p><p>he saw the glint of metal and stepped in, closer. on the floor was an empty, old medication bottle along with about a dozen little razor blades, all mingled with the glass shards. one blade is slightly bloodied, but not as bad as the glass chunk.</p><p>but carson wasn’t in there.</p><p>he reluctantly turned off the light and turned to the bathroom door.</p><p>he was worried what he would see.</p><p>he pushed the door open slightly with a deep breath and nearly screamed at the sight alone.</p><p>carson was holding a large, stained steak knife with his right hand, his left arm laying over the rim of the sink as he rhythmically sliced at the skin. the cuts went all the way up his inner forearm, all pooling out the dark red blood, slowly dripping down his arm and into the sink below. from where josh could see, he could also see the same was done to his right arm as well, which was still freshly bleeding and falling to the tile at their feet. alongside the sink was about 5 pill bottles, <em>filled</em> with medications.</p><p>
  <em>has he not been taking them?</em>
</p><p>josh made a choked noise and carson’s head <em>whipped</em> to him, eyes boring down on the smaller. it was chilling, the blond having somewhere lost his glasses, so he stared down josh with a feral look, eyes completely dilated where the iris was barely seen anymore. he pulled back from the sink, rounding on josh. the knife slipped from his grasp and fell to the floor with a <em>clang.</em></p><p>“what-... what are you doing?” the younger breathed out. carson was already backing away with pain and fear running across his face.</p><p>“it was already going to happen!” was already defensively shouted out, “i just-- i knew it was coming, i’ve been planning this all out, it was going to be perfect and nobody would know better, but holy fuck i was <em>stupid</em>--” his head was shaking again. a hand runs through his hair and streaks of blood are left in its wake.</p><p>“<em>carson!</em>” josh hollers to stop his ramblings. he grabs the taller by the wrists, trying to avoid blood and cuts and failing. blood coats his fingers. “please, stop and calm down, we need to get you cleaned up and-- i don’t know, call 911 or something?”</p><p>“i’m <em>fine!</em>” he yells back, <em>yanking</em> his arms back and getting as far as he can from josh.</p><p>“you don’t fuckin’ <em>understand</em>, this <em>needs</em> to happen! i’m nothing but a <em>failure</em>, a <em>laughingstock</em>-- just that guy that had his 5 minutes of success and now i’m nothing!” he chokes back tears as he yells. “i have <em>no</em> talents, all my friends do the work and i just sit back and reap the fuckin’ benefits like a lowlife. <em>you</em> of all people should know this!”</p><p>josh is flabberghasted, feeling like he’s been punched. “do you even hear yourself? carson--”</p><p>“<em>nothing!</em> i’m being completely rational about this! i’ve thought it all over a million times and there’s no other possible explanation,” a sob bubbles out of him. “it’s all <em>me</em>. it’s all <em>my fault</em>.”</p><p>carson tries to maneuver around josh to get to the filled pill bottles but the shorter blocks him off. the taller tries to reach over him, but josh uses his body weight to shove carson away from grasp all he can.</p><p>after a bit, he’s beginning to not have much fight in him anymore, which at first surprises josh, but a quick glance at the tile below makes him realize carson’s lost a <em>lot</em> of blood, and the emotional stress probably isn't helping. tiny red puddles surround them. the taller leans against the wall behind him.</p><p>“dizzy…” is all he can mutter out. he slumps down to the floor.</p><p>josh falls to his knees to check at carson’s pulse; an instinctive worry that he somehow died just now, despite how irrational that seemed. the blond tries to lean away from the touch, but weakness has him simply succumbing to whatever’s happening.</p><p>a shaky huff falls from josh. his hands and shirt are stained with blood.</p><p>he pulls his phone from his pocket, dialing <em>911</em> and getting linked to an operator.</p><p>“hi, i- uh- m-my best friend just… tried to kill himself.”</p><p>as he’s listing off the house address and legal names and such on, he reluctantly wanders to carson’s parent’s room. it takes him a few seconds to get the courage to knock on the door. after some shuffling, carson’s mom opens it and immediately pales at the sight before her.</p><p>he moves the receiver of the phone away from his mouth. “something… happened.”</p><p>it’s still eerie to recall the scream she gave when he showed her her son, bleeding out on a bathroom floor. how josh’s heart broke at her sobbing his name, holding him close.</p><p>the sirens and lights were approaching.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you wanna call me a shithead for making this im on twitter @mynameis_river</p></blockquote></div></div>
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